Interdimensional Dust Up on Twelfth of May
by Alpacca Joe
Summary: Daria and Jane go for Chinese on Friday, May 12, just after four pm.


**Interdimensional Dust Up on Twelfth of May**  
_A Mad Interlude  
_

It was Friday May 12th, just after four pm.

"...but that's the beauty of gummy bears- they're a fruit and a protein!"

"I believe you- I just don't think Helen would see the logic in the argument."

Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane turned the corner into the alley behind Good Time Chinese restaurant carrying a large gummy bear bag apiece. Jane's was obviously empty and she approached the dumpster against the back wall with the intent of discarding the package. Just a step away, the receptacle rolled aside and a long, spindly, scythe-like leg slid from the wall, followed closely by another and an oblong, pointed head set with a row of dagger-like teeth the length of butcher knives and expressionless eyes like holes bored into the very fabric of reality- if that fabric were pink and shaped like oval-framed glasses. A tail rose from the top of the head, scorpion-like and tipped with a wicked spike. Slowly it dragged itself forward and the air crackled with terrifying laughter.

"Yes! **YES**! A new world to ravage!" the nightmare thing crowed. Its cylindrical body was now partly in view; it was colored a strange, muted shade of purple and small, brittle-looking black arms sprouted from the monster's chest. Its legs were a sickly puce, the shoulders topped by huge, backward sweeping spikes. Long barbed tentacles slithery out into the alley- Jane found herself pressed against the opposite wall, butt planted in a puddle of unidentified liquid with Daria's arms locked around her neck as the shorter girl trembled beside her. Several scenarios played in Jane's mind, but she pushed them away almost as soon as they surfaced- not one of the possible outcomes ended with their survival.

The creature nearly pulled itself clear of the wall when the sound of running feet filled the air. In a blur of movement, a middle-aged man turned the corner and skidded to a halt in front of the cowering girls.

He heaved with exertion, brow shiny with sweat and his glasses slid down his nose nearly to the point of falling- but his eyes were fierce and in a voice thick with authority he addressed the duo, though he faced the beast and did not falter.

"Don't move- don't draw attention to yourselves in any way." His eyes narrowed, jaw set and teeth clenched in grim anticipation for the coming battle. "I've got this."

The air around the man glowed with a blue aura as he crossed his forearms into an X before him, then swung them around until he was in an archer's stance and shouted a peculiar phrase: "**MORPHALATE TUXEDIFY!**"

A flash of blue light illuminated the world and, dazzled, it was a moment before the girls' eyes could focus well enough to take in the odd sight before them.

He who had come to their unlikely rescue now stood in the alley in a full penguin suit. It gave a strange effect, as though he peered out of the beak of an insanely large bird who had swallowed him whole. Daria and Jane sat dumbfounded, and even the beast seemed at a loss for words. It blinked its improbable eyes and glanced to either end of the alley, as though for an explanation.

The penguin-suited man did an odd hop-skip and struck what he might have imagined to be a heroic pose.

"Beware, evil spider-bug-thing! For _I_-" He spun in place and ended with one flipper on his hoip, the other pointed in the beast's face- the monster blinked and looked askance at the strange man. "am _Papi Penguino!_"

Silence fell like a ten ton weight and an empty chip bag blew across the alley, loud as a Mack truck in the sudden quiet.

The nightmare thing fidgeted uncomfortably, shifting its dangerous forelegs and twisting its hands as it avoided looking at the dubious hero at all cost.

"I uh- I don't really uh... you know..."

"There's only one way to decide this grave matter." A large yellow foot began tapping out a rhythm and Papi Peguino's eyes narrowed behind his glasses. "Dance off."

Before his opponent could respond, he started popping and locking with surprising skill and all involved looked on in open astonishment. A complex bit of choreography followed this opening assault and with a smug smile, Papi invited his foe's counter with a courtly bow.

The beast hesitated briefly, then produced a top hat and cane from thin air and went into a simple but pleasing tap number. It grinned its disturbing grin as it finished with a flourish and tipped its hat condescendingly. Papi dusted off his flippers, stretched and launched into a River Dance that would have made the whole of Ireland weep.

The creature answered with a smoky jazz number, which was soon overshadowed by the hero's stirring interpretative dance. The monster gained ground with a solo from Swan Lake, but lost it soon after to a scene from West Side Story. The combatants exchanged a heated glare and on some unspoken signal, simultaneously broke into a furious waltz-clog-kick-step-ball-change. They kept in step up until the break-dancing number, where the creature's long legs and trailing striped tentacles sealed its doom. It hit the filthy concrete with an echoing bang- and stared in wide-eyed disbelief as Papi Penguino went into a full head spin. As he picked up speed, actual sparks began to shoot from his blurred form and bright stars shone from within the deep blue aura which surrounded him. Finally he came to a stop laying on his side on the ground, head propped on one flipper and one foot crossed over his knee. A moment of silence was broken with a single word, spoken in a voice dripping with unbridled satisfaction.

"Owned."

The beast had been conquered. With a heavy sigh, it donned a battered fedora and exited to dramatic music no one could explain.

Papi Penguino dusted himself off and turned to his impromptu wards. They stared at him, eyes impossibly large in their pasty white faces. With a sigh, he knelt in front of Daria and Jane, about to speak when once again the sound of running feet filled the alley. A pair of black suited agents skidded to a stop on either side of the distorted stretch of wall the monster had come through and removed their ear buds. Each pointed a nondescript black cellular phone at the wall, moved them over the distortion and faced each other. The blond woman nodded.

"Class A multi-dimensional worm hole. We've got ourselves a Door."

The man nodded back; the disrupted afternoon sunlight caught in his slicked back brown hair. "Affirmative. Initiating Lock and Key directive." A low beeping came from the woman's phone.

"On stand by. Prepare to sync in three. Two. One."

A beam of pale green light emerged from each of the agents' phones and the shape of a large keyhole appeared over the doorway. A loud click sounded and the hole faded. As one, the agents turned and walked over to the costumed weirdo- um, hero; they registered no surprise.

"You've done it again." the male agent exclaimed, obviously impressed. "The Agency owes you a large debt of gratitude."

Papi Penguino shook his head and struck his heroic pose, flippers akimbo and feet set wide. "Justice is its own reward."

The female agent smiled. "And where's Tux? I can't remember the last time you took a solo run."

Eyes averted, a faint blush suffused the strange man's cheeks; he coughed, a lame attempt at diversion. "He's... resting. He had a long night."

The blond looked uneasy, but the male agent grinned. It was a disturbing sight.

Finally the odd assembly turned to their captive audience where they still sat, pressed against a wall.

The girls neither spoke, nor moved as they were scanned by a bright red beam from the woman's phone. Though in a minor state of shock, the girls were unharmed and deemed fit to return home. Each was made to swallow a small blue pill, then told to focus on a white light as the male agent held his phone steady, thumb poised to hit a button on the keypad. Somewhere along the line, Papi Penguino had acquired a pair of small, round black shades.

For the first time since the whole madness began, Daria spoke. She glared the short distance between herself and her best friend and gritted through clenched teeth: "You just _had_ to have Chinese."

The world was filled with a bright white flash, and they knew no more.

**End.**


End file.
